Wow.

Well, I think I've finally mastered eggs over easy. What else is there now? Oh right, I still need to find a used copy of Rabbit, Run. And I guess finish school or whatev. It's good to have goals.

So Leslie and I have been comparing the creepy/hilarious messages we've been getting from dudes on OkC. I got a pretty pervy one the other day with a detailed fantasy regarding my "toy drawer." I also got one the other day in which the dude for some reason felt compelled to tell me that he had IBD. I mean, I told him I was in nursing school, but still.

Last night, Leslie sends me an email asking, "should i write this guy... he's my biggest/most verbose fan." The message was EPIC, and it was a two parter. Because she hadn't responded to his first overture, he sent the same crazy long message again, only now with a crazy long intro. I looked at his profile, and was like, "I dunno, he's not cute, and he seems a little insane."

Well, stalking him garnered me a little attention of my own, and today I got the EXACT same message from this dude that Leslie got. He made, I think, two tiny changes; Leslie's ended with "You had me at 'delicate hands,'" whereas mine...well, why don't you just read it:

"Keats was wrong. The art of the urn is maybe superior to real life because in most cases, the anxiety/excitement leading up to an event far exceeds the event itself. The images depicted on the urn are frozen in that moment of anticipation: the lover anticipating the kiss, the tree hovering between summer and fall. While that prelude to a kiss is often superior to the actual kiss, we cannot deprive ourselves of the potential satisfaction. Is that why the persona chooses reality? Art is not truth. Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth."

"Shut up and kiss me, you fool…"

Howdy, Cass. First, I must beg clemency for I am relatively new at this. Second, your profile, while more expressive than most, is still vague enough to beg the questions: sarcastic or smarmy? Or just sheer silly yet sanguine sincerity? What the hell's her deal? Fret not, young lady, mystery and candor and humor can be very big turn-ons (or turn-offs, depending on how one plays his or her (in this case, her) hand and with whom one is playing. You're in luck). You've cast a rather wide net, so I'll try and be brief:

Me (reads: time to prattle on endlessly and egomaniacally about myself...), I'm a freshly minted (reads: textbook Leo) 39-year-old take-charge kinda guy comin' to ya from the BK (reads: Union St. in Park Slope). Shy I'm not, but like most charming bon vivants, my outward nature is a screen for my more delicate sensibilities. Nothing like a few drinks and a deftly turned phrase or two to get to the heart of the matter and see if two people (reads: we) click or not (C'mon, allow me at least one cheesily trite phrase per e-mail).

Blah blah blah, I'm sure we like the same type of stuff (plenty of time to yak it up about David Foster Wallace (RIP) and Christopher George Latore Wallace (RIP) and Rachel Maddow and Aaron Eckhart and Dr. Howard Dean and Milan Kundera and Grizzly Bear and Knut Hamsun and Anais Nin and U-Roy and Charlie Kaufman and Quebecois Chevre Noir (the best North American cheddar hands down in my book) and the films of Luis Bunuel's lesser-known cousin Gary and the villa in Tuscany and my three year stint in Oregon (evil I did dwell, lewd did I live...) and which version of the Scrabble Players' Dictionary we each favor (British or American)) and will have no paucity of discourse. Or maybe not. What do I know? I'm a Vasshole ('92) who used to cook professionally (FCI, ex-Jean Georges), so I'm glad you like to eat meat. You seem like you're down for some action (reads: fun. And colloquy. And connection. And consonance - it's all about possibilities...). Does somehow connote too much of a "date" to you? Perhaps coffee or cocktails is more your speed. Maybe even a long walk in beautiful Prospect Park... So hey, if you're game...

I think it was Polonius, ironically one of literature's most notorious windbags, who said "Brevity is the soul of wit (wisdom)". Before I hoist myself on mine own petar, I'll leave these words and thoughts with you to do as you feel fit (reads: I'll take your lead - a little mystery can go a long way…).

Spero Ci Vediamo Subito (don't tell me you really speak Italian…),

Michael
[here he put his phone number]
[and his effing email address!]

p.s. - Hit me with your number when you mail me back - better yet, just call me - I'm much better on the phone. In person, well, forget about it, you can't even imagine…

p.p.s. - You had me at "I eat meat almost every day, and I feel kinda guilty about it. I love animals, but I also think they are delicious..."

Um...it reminds me of this post from Emails from Crazy People. Sadly, not the same dude. I really wonder how many people he's sending this message to, and what kind of success he's having. I find it particularly amusing that he acts as if my profile is shrouded in mystery, since it's, um, TOTALLY NOT.

Maybe it's totally uncool of me to post this, but he's clearly spreading his tome around more than I am by posting it on a blog with a readership of like 5 people. Yeesh.