The Sad Truth About Keys

So, the sad truth is that not everyone knows how to work coffee makers, and not everyone knows how to work keys. Coffee maker: fine, I've covered this one. No one wants to expend the energy required to read the directions, which requires me to either jump up and gleefully show them just how I'm putting my degree to use, or to jump up after someone complains that the machine is broken and remove the two packets that were stuck in at the same time or upsidedown or what have you. We've been over this. Let's move on.

The keys, the keys. My building in the WC decided about a year ago that restroom security on the seventh floor was of utmost importance, so we now have locks on the bathroom doors, and no shortage of jokes about weapons of mass destruction being hidden in the soap dispensers. I, in my infinite importance, am responsible for issuing keys to our myriad visitors. We have four keys on enormous rings. These inspire a whole other set of jokes, mostly involving oversized hoop earrings or the question, "A lot of people been stealing your bathroom keys?" Well, yeah, actually, once all four of them disappeared. We had to get new ones, but we didn't have new rings for them, so I attached them to old floppy disks for Windows 98. Several of these floppy disks left the building. I underestimated the size of the pockets in mens' suit jackets. They are also left in the bathroom frequently enough to warrant the addition of little tags displaying our suite number. Our floormates are benevolent, but generally not amused.

So I have my little spiel down: "Just take one of these keys, and it's just to the left across the hall." This funny thing happens, though, when I point to the keys on the counter: people inevitably look behind them for the bathroom. I've tried to make my gesturing more specific and less vague, but it doesn't seem to help.

And once one actually makes it to the bathroom door, this is when I realize that some people just can't work keys. I thought I had problems with doors and keys, but no, I got this one instictively. I guess it IS a little weird that the key turns and the handle does not. But then again, is that weird? I can't think of what my door at home does. Because why would I be thinking about this. If the damn key turns, doesn't that mean that it has opened the door? Maybe not. So I have another little spiel for when people return, claiming that the key doesn't work: "Well, you need to use it in the handle, not the bolt, and the handle doesn't actually turn. Just turn the key and push the door." This spiel is obviously more awkward because it's just not something that generally requires an explanation. Think back: did you ever have to be shown how to use a key? Was it some rite of passage like shaving or smoking? And I have determined that the longer you have been in school (for a J.D., for example), the less likely you are to instinctively figure out the keys. The same goes for patience in waiting for instructions.

However: my very own Drunkmeyer tried to put the coffee packet into the machine UPSIDEDOWN yesterday. I'd like to think that he would have figured it out once he saw the little animated picture of the packet going into the machine.