Timing is everything

A chronological list, just because I think it's funny:

Exhibit A: The First Boy to Break My Heart, a month after we broke up, got together with the girl he's been with for the past 6 years. Around the same time he started dating her, I started dating the guy who started a 6 year relationship with the book he's still writing. I ditched him after he moved to Half Moon Bay and refused to use the phone.

Exhibit B: Clean Up Boy, round 1. Within a month of that first make-out, he started dating that awful bitch who he stayed with for a couple years. I never really understood why he dated her for so long. I made out with him again a few years later. There was never really a spark. He "owes me a drink."

Exhibit C: Dude, The Milk Man! We made out twice, and then he was supposed to go with a bunch of us to a party in Davis, but bailed in order to go out dancing with a girl. I almost forgot about this one until I heard today that he was seen at a party with the very same girl, just last night! That's over 3 years of on and off!

Exhibit D: Mr. Open Relationship, though it didn't last, broke up with me to pursue things with The Other Girl. He still regrets his mistake(s), as is made abundantly evident nowadays. He buys me flowers and sends me mixtapes out of nowhere. And all I do in return is act like a bitch and make him sleep under my dining room table when he visits. Actually, that break up was amazing, because we always said we weren't bf-gf, and I had just gotten home from driving home the boy who'd spent the previous night in my bed. And a week later, we went on the most awkward date ever for our one year anniversary. Even though we were "never bf-gf." Even though we "broke up." Yeah, I don't know either.

Exhibit E: Remember that guy I had a crush on, and upon whom I used that most miraculous pick-up line, "You have a tongue piercing? Could I kiss you sometime?" About a week or two after said kiss, he got back together with his ex-gf in San Diego. When I saw him semi-recently, I wondered why I had such a crush on him back then. Circumstantial, I'm sure.

Exhibit F: Vegan Lunch Date! Within days of the blossoming of our brief love affair, his not-gf suddenly decided that she wanted to be exclusive, and he went along with her. Turned out she was just being possessive and wasn't really all that interested, but by the time I found that out, he was already deeply entrenched in his current relationship. This is the only one with whom I discuss my bad timing, actually. We both sigh wistfully.

Exhibit G: Freepile, shortly after the summer we spent a few nights together in Cloyne, started seeing gf of a year and a half. And we thought no girl could ever tie him down! Not that I wanted to; the first time I met him, he was explaining to me that he needed to move out of his girlfriend's house without telling her he was trying to do so. Um, no thanks.

Exhibit H: The Virgin! I almost forgot this one! We used to make out about once a year; soon after the last time, he started seeing the girl who ended up deflowering him. We thought no girl could ever tie him down either! And, as with Freepile, I never wanted to.

Exhibit I: The Pirate! We slept together once, and he never talked to me again (a simplification, obv). Soon after that, he knocked a girl up, and now has a happy lil family. That's the second person I've slept with who has a kid now. Somehow, that's creepy.

Exhibit J: Nerve Guy! Not that I liked him anyway, but the first time I ran into him after I started seeing Drug Dealing Pre-School Teacher, he was with his new girlfriend who he'd met at a party. (OK, yes, I, too, started seeing someone almost immediately after we stopped talking, but that's not the point!)

Exhibit K: The Drummer! After I tried to kiss him while I was on ecstasy, he started dating the girl he is now engaged to. Really, maybe this one doesn't count because I only tried to kiss him because I was flipping the fuck out, and, as Amanda pointed out, he's almost always engaged to someone.

Exhibit L: The Other Drummer! I met him, and there were fireworks shooting between our eyes! The next time I saw him, Drunk Julia was being a little too forward, and by the NEXT time I saw him, he had a serious relationship, and now they live together and have cats and stuff. Maybe this one doesn't count either; I don't think Drunk Julia ever dug her claws in.

Exhibit M: Mr. Don't-Worry-About-Me-Leaving-You-For-Someone-Else? He left me for someone else. Eh, by now, it's just routine.

Exhibit N: Well, it was just a friends with ben's arrangement anyway, but the last person I slept with decided that he's going to get back together with his ex-gf who lives 300 miles away. I told him I was glad that there are still nice people in the world, and I really meant it.

It's funny, really it is. Only a couple of these incidents actually caused any sort of anguish in my life, but when it happened again last week, I began to reflect and laugh at myself. I blame nothing but bad timing for all of the above; I would never imply that I drive people away. Duh! Of course, it could be my fatal flaw, and I could star in my own Greek tragedy. Or Shakespearean comedy. Or I could just keep laughing, as I always do.

Amanda said this list made her LOL (and she hates when people say LOL), and Jen suggested that it should be a blog entry (because, probably, of the one she wrote about all the boys she's broken up with, but dude, that would be another list entirely), so, sure, why not? I'm sure that many of the above-referenced boys would argue with my retelling of events (except VLD, since we've been over it), but fuck 'em, it's my blog.

I'm cuter than all of those other girls anyway. And that's what really matters, right? Of course.