He'll save children, but not the British children

I got in a fight with my mom last night. We were talking about my godfather at the dinner table; my godfather hasn't spoken to my mom in something like 15 years, so, effectively, I don't have a godfather. But word is that he's moved back to this coast, but hasn't tried to get in touch with any of us. I was asking, because I forgot, because this guy has basically dropped off the face of the earth, how they knew him. She turns to me, and gets that god-I-can't-believe-you-don't-know-this-I'm-sure-I've-told-you-a-million-times tone to her voice, and says, "From high school. He was the bassist for this band...you can find it if you Google him." So I, of course, can't help but roll my eyes and say, "Ah, you've been Googling him." My brother chimes in and says, "Yeah, she Googles us too!" "Oh yeah," I say, "I'm aware of that." And then she launches into the same I-can't-believe-what-you-have-on-your-MySpace-page rant from two weeks ago. Seriously, a couple weeks ago, she yelled at me for about half an hour on the phone about how my brother and I aren't doing what she wants us to be doing in life, and for some reason, she kept bringing up the fact that the phrase "13 inch dick" is on my page, and that everyone can see it, and why don't I change it? WHY?? IT'S NOT FUNNY!! IT'S SICK!!

Mom, I'm 24. This is not my 8th grade yearbook. And even if it were, MOM, LEAVE ME ALONE!!

When she was yelling over the phone about it, I just kind of laughed and told her she needs to let go of things she can't control, but last night when she launched into it again, I just couldn't take it. So I tried to change the subject and asked if the Simpsons was going to be on, but she kept yelling over me, so finally I said, "Mom, shut up!" Of course, she gets all serious and quiet and teeth-clenchy, and says, "Don't you ever tell me to shut up." "Well, why don't you stop talking?"

She got up from the table and started seething over the dishes, and I said I was going to leave. A few minutes went by, during which I talked to my brother, which is what I fucking went there to do, and then I calmly said, "Mom, I've already listened to you yell at me for this, and I really don't want to hear it again. I'm 25, also." Without turning around she said, "I know you're 25. You're a grown woman. I can't change it if you really think that it doesn't matter what other people think of you. That's fine. But don't ever tell me to shut up." I responded, and it's not like this is the first time this has ever come up, "Well, please don't talk over me. Please." And still, without turning around, she said, "Well you can go if you want."

So I left.

But I'm still upset. I hate fighting with my mom. But earlier in the conversation, when I was talking about how pushing paper, even for a good cause, makes me INSANE, she suggested that I become a travel agent, again, even though I have expressed disinterest in this dying profession. I said, "Mom, I feel like you keep bringing up the same jobs that I'm not really interested in." And then she did that thing that I hate: "Fine, I just won't say anything." Arg!!

This fight about not caring what people think has been going on for about 15 years. It used to be about my clothes and my friends, and now it's about jobs, boyfriends, the internet. Having this argument again makes me feel like I'm 13 and my mom is threatening to burn my 8th grade yearbook because of what my friends wrote in it. Or I'm 10 and she's telling me, "You're judged by the company you keep!!" Or I'm 17 and I'm "flaunting" my relationship by staying at my boyfriend's parents' house, even though they said it was OK. Or I'm 12 and she's infuriated that that's what I'm wearing to school, and no, I'm not going walk out the door looking like that.

And I will always say that while I'm interested in other people's perceptions of me, I'm not going to change based upon someone else's displeasure with my actions. Change comes from within, blah blah blah, and if I'm happy, what do I care what people think? Unless I'm coming off as stupid or a bitch. And even then, it has to be the opinion of someone I actually care about. If some random thinks that I'm really going to move to Mars with a sophisticated millionaire with a 13" dick, well, so be it. I cannot help it if that person is an idiot.

(Oh, and by the way: the reason the my godfather hasn't spoken to my mom in so long? She invited both him and his ex girlfriend to the same party. And this happened when they were in their 30s. Their late 30s. A couple years later, my mom stopped speaking to the ex-gf, and the ex-gf has had nightmares about her ever since. They've only recently got back in touch after my mom wrote a long, semi-apologetic letter to her. Dude. For real.)

(Also, ha, wow, when you Google my mom, the first several hits are all this book that she wrote with my godmother in the mid-80s that's out of print now!)